So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
