Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
