Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you traded sex for a burrito?
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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