wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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