it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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