Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Randomize
