I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
