I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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