Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
