I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
