I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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