Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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