He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
