i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
