We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
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