We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
