my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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