I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
Randomize
