Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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