Old men and throwing up are my life now.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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