i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
