i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
YAS. BRING CRAB.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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