just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
