How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
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