I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
These 31 People Are Lazier Than You Could Ever Imagine
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
27 Drunk People That Pissed Off The Cops And Got What They Deserved
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.