The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
and the mascot is a pinecone. its really no surprise that people here dont get laid
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.