if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
