Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
