Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
