My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
