She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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