I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
