we should wear snuggies to the strip club
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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