so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
my poor anus
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
what the fuck happened to the tacos
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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