it hurts more in the daytime
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
