i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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