My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
