omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
