he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Houston, we have a squirter
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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