What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Randomize
