Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Dignity is for republicans.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
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