Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
