I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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