Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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