The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
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