So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
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