She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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