I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
