I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
