Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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