I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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