So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
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She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
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Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize