his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
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did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
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