Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
