the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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