I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
