Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
