If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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