End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
