the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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