Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
