What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
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