OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
