You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
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