dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
